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What's Up Docklands?

Ben and Susan flat-sit their friends' brand-new apartment.

Transmitted on: Friday 2nd April 2004

Episode Summary

Ben and Susan exit the lift on the 10th floor of the building, they are greeted in the hall by Geoffrey and Stephanie. Geoffrey thanks Ben for flat-sitting, Ben says it’s no problem. Stephanie tells them there’s been a spate of burglaries in the area, and having them staying in the flat will put their minds at rest while they spend the weekend in their second home in the country.

They are led towards the flat and shown the keypad to let them in. The flat is a brand new luxury Docklands flat. The rest of the building is as yet, unoccupied. The flat is full of the latest gadgets, and the lights are voice activated. Susan walks in and thinks they have been burgled already, but they say that it’s ‘minimalist’, it’s their design choice.

Geoffrey and Stephanie leave, and say that if there’s any problems, the numbers and information are all in the instruction book in the kitchen drawer.
Ben is really amazed by the flat and thinks it’s great, Susan doesn’t. Ben thinks that it could be a good retirement home for them, Susan say’s that her dream home is a little cottage in the country. Ben tries to dissuade about living in the country and admires the view of the London skyline. Susan argues saying where’s the country breeze? Ben says to just open the window. He realises that there aren’t any handles to open them up with and says that they probably don’t need any as it’s air conditioned.

Susan flops onto the sofa, Ben joins her, and flicks on the widescreen tv. He starts switching between the channels, he can’t find anything he likes so he decides to put on a dvd, except he can’t find any cupboards. Susan can’t find the toilet! She goes to find the instructions left in the drawer, and can’t find a drawer. They start searching the kitchen and Ben finds the beer. But he can’t find a bottle opener. Susan is still looking for tea, Ben picks up one of the takeaway menu’s left out on the side – Silver service, a range of romantic gourmet dinners delivered straight to your door. Susan says she’s eaten, he meant for when they move there. Ben decides to use an old boy-scout trick to open the bottle, by chipping it on the side. By doing so, he chips a hole in the marble, then say’s he’ll get a man in the morning to come and fix it. Susan tells him its marble from a mountain in Italy, Ben says he’ll just give them the money.

They are both sitting on the sofa, drinking when Susan chokes on what she thinks is tea and finds out it’s actually a ‘Bouquet Garni’. Ben says to think of it as Bovril, this does the trick. Susan tells Ben that there’s no way she is buying a flat like this one, Ben tries reverse psychology with her to change her mind, but it doesn’t work.

Later, we here banging from another room, it’s Ben trying to find the toilet. He listens to the wall, and thinks he can hear the running water of the cistern behind it, Susan thinks it might be the boiler. Ben is sure it’s the toilet, and picks up an African statue to lever the door open with. It’s head breaks off without the door opening, he says he’ll superglue it in the morning. He then takes the metal spoon that Susan is holding and tries again to lever the door open. This time he chips away some of the wood.

Susan is worried about what Geoffrey and Stephanie will say. Ben says it’s fine as they’re saving the place from being burgled. He then pats the door and it swings open to reveal the boiler. Not the loo.

They are in bed, Ben is reading, Susan is saying that she’s glad they found the boiler, Ben say’s that it was good that they found the toilet, Susan agrees, then says that it’s another door they will have to repair. Ben says he’ll give them the money. Susan thinks he’s trying to buy the flat bit by bit.

They start arguing about living in the country again, and Susan decides she wants to go to sleep. Ben calls lights, nothing happens. He calls ‘lights’ again, they get brighter, he calls ‘lights’ louder and they get even brighter.

We fade in and out to see them lying in bed with sunglasses on. They get up thinking it’s morning, and realise it’s 2.46am. Ben calls out ‘Why can’t we turn these bloody light’s off’ and the lights go off. They go back to sleep.

Ben and Susan return from a walk, they have been pursued by some local kids. Ben tells Susan that he has organised a surprise for her, she hates his surprises. The door buzzer goes. Ben asks them to come up, we see a liveried butler with a silver service dinner on a tray on the intercom screen. Susan guesses that it’s one of those ‘stupid’ dinners with a candle and rose, Ben tells her to wait and see. Susan doesn’t think the city looks better at night. Ben points out a twinkling light which Susan says is an ambulance.

Susan wants her life to be more like The Archers. She leaves him to slip into something more comfortable. Ben is on his mobile asking where the butler has disappeared to. He cancels it and orders a pizza as his backup plan. He’s on his mobile again trying to wave the pizza delivery guy in who has got lost. Susan emerges all dressed up. Ben buzzes the pizza man in but can’t see him on the intercom screen. Susan believes that the flat has developed a personality.

Ben goes to look for their supper, Susan follows him even though Ben has told her to stay in the flat. Ben disappears in to the lift and the doors close on him before Susan can join him. She descends the stairs to follow him and again misses him when he steps out of the lift and gets back in again. She arrives on the 1st floor to find an empty lift after Ben has got out and is wandering the corridors. She runs in the opposite direction of Ben. There is here a chase sequence up and down floors and corridors which all look exactly the same. This includes, the pizza delivery man, Ben, Susan and the liveried butler with his trolley.

She gives up and returns to the flat. Ben has had the same idea, except the door entry code won’t work. He can’t make Susan hear him banging, and as no one is looking he breaks the door open with the fire extinguisher. He enters the flat calling after Janey, Mikey and Nick, pleased at the thought that they are not there. He sits on the sofa and turns the plasma screen on and settles to watch Die Hard. His mobile rings, he assumes it’s the pizza company and starts to berate them. It’s Susan though, asking where he is. He tells her he’s in the living room, apparently that is where she is too. He asks whereabouts, she’s on the sofa, but so is he. “I’m in the wrong flat aren’t I?”. He realises he is also on the wrong floor. He gets into the lift to return to the right flat As the doors are closing Ben finally sees the liveried butler who has settled down to eating the candle lit dinner in the corridor.

Ben returns to the correct flat to find Susan on the sofa watching tv. There is a knock at the door, it’s the pizza man. The entry phone doesn’t work, so the pizza man slips the pizza under the door without the topping. He then puts the topping through the letter box. Ben passes money through the door and asks for his change, but we see the pizza man leaving straight away. Susan suggests that she puts the topping back on the pizza and put it under the grill.

Ben chips the marble table again while opening more beer. They smell burning, it is the pizza. Ben pulls out the flaming pizza and realises that he can’t throw it out the window as they don’t open. In panic, Susan pulls the Video player off the wall and lobs it through the window, Ben then throw the pizza out after it. The plasma screen is now on fire and the room is filled with smoke. The water sprinklers come on and soak Susan & Ben. A wet Ben is on his mobile explaining to Geoffrey that they have been burgled but that he and Susan are okay. Susan finally finds the instructions leaflet.


Character Played by
Ben Harper Robert Lindsay
Susan Harper Zoe Wanamaker
Auctioneer Simon Kunz
Stephanie Caroline Loncq
Pizza Delivery Man Toby Sedgewick
City Gent Paul Williamson


Role Name
Director Dewi Humphreys
Producer John Bartlett
Writer James Hendrie
Writer Ian Brown
Executive Producer Don Taffner
Executive Producer James Hendrie
Executive Producer Ian Brown

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