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You Don't Know Jack

Michael has a new friend in school and Susan has a new admirer.

Transmitted on: Friday 26th March 2004

Episode Summary

Michael and Hubert are watching tv. Hubert has invented a way of watching premium channels for free, Ben will have to pay them a monthly sum, in order to watch sport.

Michael and Abi are at breakfast. Abi can’t wait till the weekend as she’s got a double date with Janey. Susan says Janey has an altenrative motive; she probably wants Abi to babysit, but Susan is to babysit. Ben is worried about Michael hanging around with four eyed swatty Hubert. Ben’s looking forward to the football game on tv. Michael is trying to teach his new friend Jack maths, when Ben enters with beers to watch the match. Jack introduces himself to Ben, he’s impressed with Michael’s cool friend. Ben and Jack watch the match leaving Michael to finish Jack’s homework. Susan enters, Jack is obviously smitten with her.

Ben’s in bed praising Jack and says at last Michael has the chance to be cool.. The next day, Ben trips over Kenzo’s car seat. Susan explains that Janey is home, and is with Abi giving her fashion advice. The Blonde leading the Bonkers! Michael is suddenly dressing trendily. He enjoyed school as he was now hanging out with the cool guys.

Jack brings Susan some tea in Abi’s bedroom. Janey tells Susan she is using Abi as the gawky friend for her double date. Janey refers to Jack being Susan’s toyboy. Susan says she is too young to be the older woman. Susan doesn’t want to hear another word about it. Abi asks Susan where her toyboy is.

Ben and Jack are discussing Slade. Susan comes in, she asks Jack if he has a girlfriend, Ben doesn’t think Susan should be interrogating Jack, he is a friend not family. Susan tells Jack he should have one of his own age. Susan is doing the washing up, Jack tries to grab her hand and ends up with her washing glove, he puts it down his top. Ben is still oblivious. Susan is concerned that Jack isn’t good for Michael. Ben disagrees. Susan can’t bring her to say that he fancies her. The phone rings, it’s Jack. Ben tells him what Susan is wearing in bed.

Susan and Abi are sat in a coffee shop discussing Jack’s attraction to Susan. Janey explains that like her Susan is a babe magnet. Ben and Jack are saying goodbye when Susan returns home. Jack kisses Susan goodbye on both cheeks. Susan tells Ben about Jacks fascination with her. He thinks she’s imagining it.

Later that night, Ben is still killing himself laughing, and that Susan is like a batty old woman thinking Tom Hanks fancies her….Ben says it’s a faze that Jack is obviously going through, 17 year old boys fancy anything, and as long as Jack still has time for him he doesn’t mind. Susan tells Ben to stop Jack from coming round, he tells her to stop leading him on.

Abi’s about to get ready for her date, she tells Susan that she needs to tell Michael about Jack fancying her. Susan tells Michael about Jack, he knows about Jack’s crush, it allows him to be in with the ‘in’ crowd. He suggests she tries even harder to make herself look good to keep Jack interested.
Ben’s looking for his Noddy Holder sideburns. Susan appears in a boiler suit with her hair in curlers. She’s trying to dress badly to put Jack off. Abi’s dressed for her date, by Janey, in a terrible outfit.

Ben’s standing in front of the mirror with his sideburns singing Slade songs. Michael and Jack are looking at Slade albums and Jack tells Michael his father is great.. Susan enters chewing on a drumstick, Michael is mortified and stomps off. Susan persists in trying to put Jack off. She talks about her varicose veins and hearing aids, Jack is not put off. Susan’s in the bedroom attending to Kenzo, Jack walks in. He takes his shoes and socks off and tries to come on to Susan. She tells him to back off. He leaves. Susan turns back to the baby, and without Susan seeing Ben appears from the bathroom, he’s heard the conversation and picks up Jack’s sock. He leaves.

He tells Michael he has to tell Jack to go, Michael says he doesn’t want to get wedgies again, he demonstrates on Ben. He then tells Ben he must tell Jack. Ben approaches Jack on the sofa and puts him off fancying Susan. Jack tells Susan it’s all over as Ben has explained to him about her being a nagging, manipulative harpy, and he can get that at home. Susan tells Ben she’ll have to go back to servicing old men now that Jack isn’t interested.
She also tells Ben she knows Ben slagged her off.

The next day, Ben is missing Jack. Abi returns from her date on which she ended up with both her and Janey’s bloke. Michael comes in all muddy and with a limp. Ben demonstrates on Susan what a wedgie is.


Character Played by
Ben Harper Robert Lindsay
Susan Harper Zoe Wanamaker
Janey Harper Daniela Denby-Ashe
Michael Harper Gabriel Thompson
Abi Harper Siobhan Hayes
Hubert Alex Dawson
Jack Michael Obiora


Role Name
Director Dewi Humphreys
Producer John Bartlett
Writer Andrea Solomons
Executive Producer Don Taffner
Executive Producer James Hendrie
Executive Producer Ian Brown

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